My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So much Jack, so little girl.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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