My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
