haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
