Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
