i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
