Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
