My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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