Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
