she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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