can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
