ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
