FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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