Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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