how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
