y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
