My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
