oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
