yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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