Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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