and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
