I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The air was thick with penises
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
