i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
