I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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