She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
