I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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