Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
