I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
