all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
