I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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