I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
