I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
