You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
