Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
