Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
