did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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