It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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