he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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