People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
