You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
