Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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