I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize