I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
