Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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