sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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