is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
