yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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