we have officially lost it.
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i am craving dick and cupcakes
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
