hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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