the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
