watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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