I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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