Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
