This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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