If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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