my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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