everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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