Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
