I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Randomize