I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
