what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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