Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize