5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
