woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
