Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize