His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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