I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
