I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
