I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
